


Cut Him Off

by saintnoname



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: Angst, Consensual Violence, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Sex, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 17:37:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1826575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintnoname/pseuds/saintnoname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You go to whatever lengths you need to go to to remove him from your life.  Sometimes, self-preservation requires extreme lengths."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cut Him Off

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a scene from [this](http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Kill_Your_Darlings.pdf) version of the script

"He didn't mean it," David insisted, more to himself than to his companion.  "Allen got him to say it.  If Allen weren't there--"

"No, Dave."  Bill took one last toke on his joint before stamping it out.  "That was Lu speaking."  He sighed.  "It was all Lu."  Bill had watched his oldest friend fall apart over this kid who didn't return his affections more times than he'd cared to.  Never again, he'd decided.  He'd never watch this happen again.

David looked at Bill with wide, wild eyes.  "Did you not hear him?  He said, 'Cut him off.'  And then Lucien told me to leave.  This is all _his_ fault."

"No, Dave," Bill repeated.  "I know how much you want to blame someone or something other than Lucien, but Allen had very little to do with this.  Lucien has been finished with you for a long time now; all Allen did was get him to say it aloud."

David froze, considering it, then said, "No."  But he didn't say it with as much conviction this time.

"Lucien has cut you out of his life.  It's time you cut him out of yours."

"But how do I do that?"

Bill held up his left hand, extending his pinky.  It was slightly shorter than that of his other hand, and slightly misshapen.  "I had a lover leave me once, and didn't know how I would go on.  So I imagined that the part of him that was inside me was in the very tip of my smallest finger.  And I cut it off."  He put down his hand.  "You go to whatever lengths you need to go to to remove him from your life.  Sometimes, self-preservation requires extreme lengths."

David looked from Bill's hand to his eyes.  "Will you do that for me?"  He held up his left pinky.  "Will you cut him off for me?"

Bill stared at David's little finger for a long moment before answering.  "Well, we can't do it while you're sober, at any rate."

 

* * *

"He broke his fucking neck!" Lucien laughed.  "The warrior poet has passed on."  He and Allen laughed even harder as Jack stood up, vomited, and passed out. 

It took a few seconds of Lucien leaning against him for Allen to become consciously aware of how close Lucien was to him.

Lucien always said, "First thought, best thought."  He wondered how Lucien would feel if he knew that the first thing Allen thought when he first saw him was that he really wanted to kiss him.  Would Lu still agree with his saying then?

Allen looked around.  Jack still hadn't gotten up and no one else was around.

"First thought, best thought," he said quietly, then he finally acted on that first thought.  At first, he caught Lucien by surprise, but then, miraculously, the other man was kissing back.  The kiss grew more and more heated until it was interrupted by a most unattractive announcement by Jack: "I think I puked on the inside."

The interruption must have knocked some sense into Lucien, because he couldn't have gotten away from Allen faster

Shit.  He'd fucked up.  He fucked up so bad.

Allen has work to do.  _Allen has work to do_.

Was this a punishment for kissing him?

 

* * *

David had never had any interest in drugs, unlike his good friend William S. Burroughs.  Unless one counted tobacco and alcohol, which David didn't.  But Bill was right.  He couldn't be sober for this.

Bill knew what he was doing.  David trusted Bill.  But still, he was scared.  He wasn't the type to do reckless things like LuLu and his Lost Boys.

"It should be taking effect," came Bill's smooth, calm voice from the edge of the bathtub.  "Do you feel different?"

David thought about it, then nodded.

"Good.  Close your eyes and listen to my voice.  Do as I tell you."

David nodded again, then closed his eyes.

Bill reached into the bathtub and took David's hand, holding it on the edge of the bathtub beside him.  "Imagine Lucien Carr as a light.  A light that you're inhaling into your body."

David inhaled deeply.

"Imagine him permeating you, coursing through you.  Imagine the light spreading inside you."  He paused for a moment before continuing.  "Now imagine all that light getting smaller, and gravitating toward the very end of your left small finger."  He pulled David's pinky away from the rest of his hand.  "See Lucien in the tip of your finger.  Feel him there.  That is where all your energy toward him is focused."

Bill was quiet for so long, David started to feel confused.  He opened his eyes. 

"Don't open your eyes."

He immediately squeezed his eyes shut.

"Are you picturing what I said?"

David nodded.

"Imagine Lucien existing nowhere else inside you but in the very end of your small finger."  He was only quiet for a few seconds this time.  "On the count of three, I'm going to remove him from you."

David nodded.

"One...two..."

 

* * *

"Lu is going to use the loo."

Over the sound of his own urination, Lucien heard Edie and Jack arguing.  Meanwhile, an old lady he'd never meet sat in the front room with cake.

He didn't belong there.  He had no business being there right then, just as he'd had no business being there while Allen's mom was dragged away.

Allen.

Lucien felt a chill run through him as he remembered the kiss.  He'd never been kissed by a guy.  David tried enough times, but Lucien never let him.  He'd known Allen was going to kiss him.  He'd anticipated it.  He'd _closed his eyes and parted his lips_.

And then he'd sent Allen off to write his paper for him like he did with David.

In his drunken state, Lucien forgot to flush the toilet.  He turned the sink on cold and splashed some water on his face.  He almost forgot to pull up his pants, too, but he managed to get them up and to turn off the sink.

He opened the bathroom door just in time to hear Edie tell Jack she wasn't staying there that night.  "I'm not staying here tonight, either," he said.  He gave Jack an apologetic look.

"Fine," Edie said.  "I'm getting my toothbrush out of the bathroom, then I'm leaving."  She went into the bathroom, then immediately poked her head out and started yelling.  "Oh, that's real nice, taking a piss in someone else's house without flushing the toilet."

Lucien ignored her.  "I'll stop by tomorrow to check up on you, okay?"

"Okay," Jack said, even though he fully expected Lu to not stop by the next morning.  He wouldn't hold it against him.

Lucien gave Jack a brief hug before he left.

 

* * *

Even with the nitrous oxide, the pain was enough to make David hiss and recoil.  He kicked the inside of the bathtub, cradled his injured hand in his uninjured one.

Bill picked something off the edge of the bathtub, holding it out to David.  With horror, David realized it was the end of his finger.  "Say goodbye to Lucien Carr," Bill said, far too calmly for someone who had just cut off part of a friend's finger.  "And good riddance."  He tossed the piece of finger in the toilet and flushed it.

David had to admit that even amid the pain and altered state of consciousness, he did feel a sense of relief, watching Bill get rid of that piece of him.  Or maybe it was because of his pain and altered state of consciousness that he felt it.  Either way.

"Give me your hand," Bill said gently.

David didn't want to.  When David didn't willingly give up his hand, Bill took it, and David let him.  "Got to tend to it immediately," Bill mumbled, wrapping David's finger up in the gauze.

David started laughing.  "He's gone, Bill.  He's out of me."

Bill stopped tending to David's finger and looked down at him sadly.  "Yes, he is."  He started wrapping again, and both men remained silent for the remainder of the process.

 

* * *

 

Allen was asleep at his typewriter when a hand on his shoulder shook him awake.

"Allen?"  The voice belonged to Lucien.

Allen squinted up at him, making a vague, confused sound.  The next thing he knew, he was being kissed.  That woke him right up.  He pushed Lucien away.  "Lu?  What the _hell_ , Lu?"  He hadn't forgotten how Lucien treated him after their kiss.  And now, here Lucien was, kissing him?  That wasn't how it worked.  When Lucien didn't say anything and even had the nerve to look baffled at Allen's reaction, Allen's face turned hard.  "What about your ten page paper?" he asked bitterly.

Lucien looked to the typewriter, which had a half-finished page in it.  Beside the typewriter were several completed pages of the essay.  Lucien ripped the incomplete page out of the typewriter and ripped it to shreds in front of a shocked Allen.  Upon seeing how shocked Allen was, he laughed, ripping up the other pages in turn.  " _Fuck_ the essay," he said, kissing Allen again.  "Fuck Columbia."  He pulled Allen out of his chair and Allen, too shocked to resist, went with him.  "Fuck David," Lucien continued.  He lay back on Allen's bed, pulling the younger man down on top of him.  "Fuck everyone and everything."

Allen laughed.  "You're still drunk, aren't you?"

"What does it matter if I am?"

Allen studied Lucien for a moment before leaning down and kissing him hungrily.

 

* * *

 

"How do you feel?" Bill asked as he tucked David into bed.

"It doesn't hurt so much anymore."

"Good."  Bill pulled the covers up to David's chin.  "It killed me to hurt you.  Even if I knew it was for your own good."

"I know that, Willy.  That's why I let you."

Bill raised his eyebrows.  "Willy?  You haven't called me that in ages."  It must have been the laughing gas, even though logic told him it would have worn off by then.

"Yeah, well, I guess this is a funny kind of night."

Bill looked at his old friend for a long moment before leaning down and kissing him.  When he pulled back, David looked at him with wonder in  his eyes.  "Willy?  How long?"

Bill's nose scrunched as he thought.  "Since shortly after you became obsessed with Lucien Carr."

For a moment, guilt and regret played on David's face.  But only for a moment.  The next moment, he was gagging.  "Oh, God.  I'm going to--"  He sat up and looked around.  Fortunately, there was a trashcan right by the bed.  He leaned over and puked into it.

What terrible timing. David must have known what Bill was thinking, because he held up a hand.  "Not--you--"  He puked again.  "It's not.  It's the pain and losing Lu and the laughing gas."  He did his best to smile.  "It's not you."

Bill stared, not sure what to say.  "I'll get you some water."

David grabbed Bill's arm.  "Stay here tonight?"

"I don't think that'd be wise."

"I don't want to be alone."

"That's why I don't think it'd be wise."  Bill's lips quirked into a sad smile.  "I don't want to be your replacement Lu."

"I need a _friend_ , Bill.  And I learned today that you're the only real one I have."

Bill studied him.  "Very well.  I'll be right back with some water."

 

* * *

 

In his wildest dreams, Allen was naked in bed with Lucien Carr.  But he'd never thought it would happen outside his wildest dreams.  He wondered if he was still drunk, but knew he wasn't.  Somehow, he knew this was real, that Lucien was in bed with him after they-

Wow.  They actually did it.  And now Lucien slept up against him.  Allen never wanted to forget this moment, partly because he wasn't sure it would ever happen again.  He wrapped his arms around Lucien, holding him close, savoring the naked warmth of the man he loved against him as he drifted to sleep.

 

* * *

 

David handed the empty water glass to Bill and Bill went to set it on a table.  "Thank you," said David.  Bill didn't answer him.  He returned to the bed, stripping to his undergarments before sliding under the covers beside David.

David's arms went around Bill the second he was settled.  Bill wasn't sure how to feel about that.  His body went rigid but he let David hold him.  It took a while for him to let himself relax, and he didn't really until David was asleep and he could uncurl David's arms from his waist.  They would have to talk in the morning, when they'd had time to recover from the day's (and night's) events.  Nothing was certain right then.

It was nice to think David loved him back, or that he would love him eventually, but Bill wasn't that naive.  It was nice to think David wouldn't go crawling back to Lucien, but despite the revelations of that night, there was no way of knowing.  But for tonight, at least, Bill's oldest friend was safe from Lucien Carr.


End file.
